A Letter to Zena

[roxyandboys]

To my SuggieBabyMum Zena.

I glanced down into the cold dark waters, I saw you.
At first I thought that you were an old dishcloth blown from the washing line
You were laying face down, gliding across the surface of the filthy stinking rain water
I was afraid to empty the water out, too frightened of hurting you, frightened of what I would see
You lay on the hard concrete, cold, unmoving.  Just like a soggy rotten dishcloth.
I picked you up, you might be alive, perhaps, if I just warmed you up, you might be.....

Your eyes, they’re pure white and wide open, no life in those eyes anymore
Stuff coming out of your nose, I don’t know what it is, something tells me I don’t want to know
I wrap both hands around you; perhaps I can pass some of my life into you.....
I bring you into the house; hold you in front of the fire for a moment.
What am I doing, you are dead, you’re body is so cold and wet my fingers feel numb
I lay you on you’re side, I can’t think what to do

I sit for some time watching your lifeless and soaked body
I look at you closely, your tiny paws curled up like fists ready to fight.  You lost this one my baby
Your tail looks messy, your fur soaked and dirty.  I want to dry you, keep you warm.
Pointless.  You’re dead.
Your baby.  The last night I spent with you I watched you clean your little one so carefully inside your pouch.
I saw his little pink body, watched him move about inside you

I check your belly; your baby is with you still.  Cold, hard, dead.
My head is confused, I don’t know what to feel, how to feel, I feel numb
I bury a hole in the sodden dirt, wrap you in a cloth and bury you
I leave you there, outside, alone, cold, wet.
Dead.

I cannot take the image of your soaked body out of my head
I imagine how frightening and lonely you must have been
I imagine how you jumped, slipped, fell into the iced water
You would have struggled, tried to scramble out, pesky plastic smooth sides
You were doomed. I left you to exhaust yourself with trying to survive, trying to stay afloat
You must have been so cold and so scared, all alone and no way out
I am sorry I left you alone
I am sorry I let you be cold
I am sorry I let you get wet
I am sorry I let you die

Forgive me Zena and remember that I love you.


Mod note:  This post will be locked now, but will be reopened at any time upon the request of the original poster.

[catherine896]

Oh Roxy Thats made me cry.
I am devastated for you and I can only imagine what you are feeling.
Im so so so sorry.

[Amalthea]

I know how guilty you must be feeling and here I am with tears rolling down my cheeks, but please don't blame yourself, Rox.  Zena knew how much you cared for her and wouldn't be blaming you for the outcome of her excursion.  Now she's playing at the bridge with her baby waiting to see you again...

[roxyandboys]

sorry - didn't mean to make anyone cry.

I am ok now, i've always found that writing a letter helps and it has.

[catherine896]

Glad you are feeling a little better.
I thought about you and Zena everyday and would come on here especially to check and used to hope that you had found her. I was gutted when I was going down the main page and saw your thread for Zena in this section.
Zena was loved and well cared for and she knew that.

[roxyandboys]

thanks catherine

she was loved, loved silly.  bless her little furry face

[sugarchin]

This made me cry too, but this was a tragic accident which could have happened to any of us Rox
You loved Zena, and the words in your poem reflect that love and devastation you are feeling right now. It was an awful tragedy for you to come across, but I think you would always have agonised about what happened her, if you had never found her body
So I hope this can bring some closure for you, and in time, healing, once you recall the good times you had with Zena

[Claire]

 

[roxyandboys]

just re-read this and i have tears rolling down my face still.  Her body will never be outta my mind

[xXfoofoolafluffXx]

god im cryin my eyes out!!!

i know it was a while ago but sorry for your loss. im a little confused as to where you found her? im sorry to ask but i fear my morbid curiosity has got the better for me, and if it brings it all back and you would rather not say then i understand. was she outside?

[roxyandboys]

yeah, i found her in a plastic bin that'd filled up with some rain water, i believe she managed to escape and then went out of the cat flap.